A Vampire Parody
by Gaaraxluvr
Summary: Karin's not a reverse vampire, but Usui thinks she is.  Winner's a nerdy American fanboy.  Maki's "the unimportant green-haired girl".  Usui has a habit of thinking aloud.  Rate and review.  Warning:  contains extreme hilarity.


**A Vampire Parody**

**A parody of Chibi Vampire from Usui's Perspective**

**Karin's not a reverse vampire, but Usui thinks she is. Winner's a nerdy American fanboy. Maki's "the unimportant green-haired girl". Rate and review. Warning: contains extreme hilarity.**

**Chapter 1: Don't be Baffled by my Manly Pheromones**

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><p>It was Usui's first morning to wake up in a house. It was his three-hundred and forty-fifth morning to wake up with his mother throwing an empty beer can at his head.<p>

"WAKE UP YOU STUPID CARROT HEAD!" she screamed in her typical fashion, "It's 1:30 in the afternoon, you're supposed to be at school!"

Usui thanked her for her usual morning greeting by chucking the beer can and a few other random articles of trash at her face and by punching her and calling her a slut; then he headed off to his new school.

On the way he had a meager breakfast of stolen cinnamon rolls (his neighbors needed to learn to lock their front door). As he walked leisurely down the pavement he imagined what it would be like if some random girl ran into him from behind. He imagined if she did that she'd have really big breasts and be wearing a mini-skirt, and when she fell he'd see her panties and act all shy about it. The imagined sequence was so appealing that he decided that a girl really MUST have just run into him and toppled him over, thus he purposefully scraped his knee against the concrete as evidence that this had indeed happened and not been imagined. Then he jogged all the way to school, stopping only to tell everyone who passed by about his encounter with the girl and her panties.

At the school itself, his homeroom teacher berated him for being late, then took him on a tour of his classes. He made a mental note to come back later that night and vandalize them. Then the teacher led him out onto the track field where his classmates were currently having P.E.

When he was introduced, everyone looked at him strangely at first. Usui wondered why. One person in the back muttered, "Hey, he has kind of creepy looking eyes, don't you think?" Usui smiled. He liked it when people noticed his zombie contacts. He'd picked them out in a Halloween store a few years back and never taken them out since.

He looked in the direction of the speaker, trying to figure who had said something about his eyes. He saw two girls, one with magenta pink hair and the other with green hair. That was ok. His wig was carrot orange, so he wasn't jealous of their wigs like most people would be. The pink head looked kind of strange though. She had huuuge breasts and a miniskirt like the girl from this morning. Usui decided that this could not be a coincidence.

Usui also noticed that when she smiled and laughed at her unimportant looking green haired friend that a couple of the girl's teeth were rather sharp and pointy looking.

"I wonder who does her dental work," Usui thought out loud. Very out loud, in fact. He had taken away the coach's megaphone to achieve the maximum amount of loudness for his wondering.

Everyone then looked at the strawberry headed girl. Her face suddenly became very red, so much so that she fainted.

"Oh no!" Her unimportant friend said, "Teacher! Karin fainted again!"

"So that was her name," Usui again thought out loud, causing the heads to turn back to him. Thinking out loud was a habit of his.

Later after they'd scraped Karin off the track field, Usui saw her again in another class of his. She was talking to more unimportant people. When she saw him staring at her and waving a giant flag that said "HI PINK-WIG-HEAD" her face suddenly and mysteriously turned as red as her hair. She dashed out of the room quite suddenly.

"Poor girl," thought Usui aloud again. "She, like so many others, must simply not be able to handle my manly pheromones and devilish good looks." Half of the other girls and one guy in the class nodded their heads in agreement.

The next morning after he saw the incident, Usui awakened in a house for the second time in his life. This time his mother threw a shoe and he punched her twice for good measure. He could feel a habit forming.

The neighbors had the sense to lock their front door but didn't lock the back, so this morning he munched on an egg sandwich on the way to school. He'd just finished it when something rammed into him from behind, knocking him to the concrete.

"OW! What the heck!" groaned Usui. He looked up and in front of him was a lovely sight: the pink haired Karin was sprawled out in front of him, her butt raised in the air. Her panties were pure white and had little hearts with bat wings on them.

"_Score_," Usui thought out loud.

Karin shrieked, probably in delight that Usui had caught her with her skirt down. She turned red again. Usui was glad he could make her so happy.

Attempting to please her even more, he picket up the bag she'd dropped and flung it at her. It hit her in the face. She started crying, as Usui perceived in pure joy that she was being recognized by a guy as handsome and good smelling as him. Taking her bag though, she began to back away. Then she turned and ran as if for dear life.

Usui sighed again. Poor girl, she just couldn't handle his delightful Usui aroma. He took out a small bottle filled with rancid substances such as rotten tomatoe juice, spoiled milk, and skunk essence and sprayed himself with it. Sadly he still probably smelled too delicious, but the spray helped a little. Without it everyone would be fawning over him obsessively.

He arrived at school in a dramatic fashion, knocking over several tiny children and throwing a can with a flaming piece of newspaper trailing after it towards his homeroom's window. After being interrogated by the fire marshal, he headed to his class cheerily.

The unimportant people and Karin were in the middle of their studies. He smiled at her in a sketchy stalker-ish way to let her know that he found her attractive. As soon as that period was over, she ran for dear life. Self consciously Usui sprayed himself down with more pheromone neutralizer. Suddenly the hallways were very empty.

"Perfect. Perhaps now she won't be too taken aback by my overpowering manliness."

**END OF CHAPTER ONE**

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><p>Kari: Hi everyone! I'm Kari, Gaaraxluvr's lovable and mischievous alter-ego.<p>

Usui: And I'm Usui. I am the star of this fanfic, so feel free to send me your adoring fan-mail and other such tokens of your affection for me. Also if you like, send me your credit card numbers and pins-

Kari: Uuum…Usui, we're actually not trying to solicit-

Usui: *slaps Kari in face* Woman, be quiet when men are talking. Now, as I was saying…

Kari: *inwardly* _this must be what Dr. Frankenstein felt like after creating his monster 0.o Uh…rate and review people. I appreciate your feedback. And hopefully I'll live to write the next chapter…_

Usui: …and don't send that kind because I'm allergic to things made by foreigners, but all of your other offerings are appreciated. Now then, Kari. Let me tell you what happens in chapter two… *drags Kari into a dark corridor*

Kari: _help me..._


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